Hello everyone, if you’ve visited my blog in the past, you probably know that I like to write about topics such as spirituality, mental struggles, and growth. And if you haven’t I greet you wholeheartedly.
In the few posts that I’ve written, I talked a lot about my spiritual growth and how this came about, so if you’re interested in reading those stories or want to enjoy a little refresher feel free to check them out here. Usually, these posts were very long, and I would work on them for about a week or two. I intend to change this from now on and instead want to focus on writing more posts regularly.
There are a couple of reasons for that and all of them have to do with being paralyzed by insecurity. Insecurity has been a general theme in my life which I recently decided to take head-on. It was also the primary reason I stopped writing at the time. I was feeling overwhelmed and was very insecure about myself. This is furthermore why my posts were so long because I was being too perfectionistic about it.
“Insecurity kills all that is beautiful.”
At the time that I was posting on my blog, I was sober and talked about my previous relationship with weed. Regrettably, after that summer I completely relapsed into my old habits. Three months after I smoked my first joint that year I was back to smoking daily. Alongside it enforced even deeper feelings of regret, shame, and insecurity. But why was I feeling so insecure in the first place?
Looking back at it now, I remember being extremely ambitious at the time. My girlfriend (now fiancee) and I just got together, and I was ready to start my dream life. At least I thought I was.
I never really addressed the problem of insecurity. I was just trying to fake it ‘til I made it, which can be an effective strategy from time to time. But it can get difficult if insecurity is so deeply rooted in your survival strategy.
You might be wondering what I was so insecure about. At the time it was many things. First of all, I had no idea where my career was going. I never completed a study and was worried that if my newly found girlfriend were to see my inability to become successful the relationship wouldn’t last. As a result, I tried extra hard to become a person of significance. And over the past 2 years, I’ve started and quit multiple entrepreneurial endeavors.
So as you can see the problem I was trying to avoid led me to my failures. Fortunately for me though, my girlfriend was very understanding of the situation. She loves me no matter what person I become.
“Only the insecure strive for security.”
The Root Of The Problem
Not long ago, I quit weed again and this time I made it a very conscious undertaking. I made sure to have people to talk to and aid me through the entire process. I wrote daily in my diary to make sure I never forget why I quit and which things triggered me to smoke weed. I’ll write about this more in-depth in the upcoming posts.
As I’ve been focussing on my insecurity issues it occurred to me that I’ve had troubles dealing with this my entire life. This is also presumably the main reason I never finished a study, and in more recent times didn’t manage to succeed as an entrepreneur. Every time the going got tough I felt overwhelmed and instead of breaking through this resistance I just grabbed the first thing that distracted me from this uneasy feeling. Most of the time, this was weed, but another one of my favorite distraction tools was gaming.
Over the years it has come to grow on me that this is indeed the case. I am distracting myself whenever I feel overwhelmed and need to stop doing it and start working on the things that I see myself doing in the future. The problem has been that all of this primarily happens unconsciously. And so without even thinking about it, I would already be smoking a joint or have started up a video game.
One of my favorite things to tell myself was that I just genuinely liked doing these things. The underlying frustration that came from that I simply redirected onto other things or people.
‘Why are my teammates so bad at this game?’
‘Why aren’t people just nice to each other?’
There was always a way to redirect my frustrations in some way, while in reality I was frustrated with myself for not pushing through the resistance I felt. It’s been this way for a very long time. When I was a teenager I would do the same thing.
“Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity that they create lies we believe.”
There are probably hundreds of approaches to fixing this problem. Chances are likely that I’ve read or have known about all of them for a while now. Which in a way further developed the issues I was dealing with. I call this Paralysis By Overanalysis. Simply put, I’d rather engage in learning about how to deal with the problem than deal with the actual problem.
This, in turn, would result in feeling even more insecure, because every time I learned a new solution another thing was added to the List Of Things I Need To Do, But Can’t For Some Reason.
This is also why being addicted to something is so incredibly dangerous because whatever reasoning I had to engage in the addiction stemmed from some kind of negative emotion. The interaction is always cyclical. In the very same way, the solutions I might find can be cyclical.
Anyone outside of the same addiction pattern would simply tell me to quit. And this is the only real solution to any addiction. The result of quitting brought up that negative emotion I had been avoiding for years now, insecurity.
Aside from writing about it and putting my insecurities on paper for everyone to read, I meditate on it every morning. I sit down and let myself get into a deep trance state. After I reach the state of being completely relaxed, I bring up this feeling of insecurity and observe it as if it wasn’t me. Then I acknowledge to myself that this is the feeling I want to overcome and that I desire to be free from it.
So far it felt like I’ve made huge progress in this. My insecurities do still arise, and I certainly have a long way to go, but working on it actively has unleashed a bunch of energy within me. I can now work on my career without feeling like a failure. I started working on art with a passion I’ve never felt before and have rekindled with the beauty of writing. These are just the first steps and I’m excited to keep working towards the life that I dream about.
“It’s only when you get beyond the emotion of fear and move into the unknown -despite the fear- that you turn your fear into passion and courage.”
~Dr. Joe Dispenza
Thank you for reading this post, and I hope that you enjoyed reading it. If there’s anything you recognized about yourself or want to share with me, feel free to leave a comment. As I said earlier I’m making it a goal to post regularly. Some of the upcoming topics I want to write about are motivation, quitting weed, and meditation. On top, I am going to make an extra section on the blog to share my art.
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